Blogging The Golden Compass, Part 3

Aaaaaand, we're back. Thanks for your patience!

The beginning of this chapter is mostly background info.
Yeah, yeah, yeah...we get it. Lyra lives at Jordan College, the biggest, best, most awesomesauce college in the history of their wacko world. *sarcasm hand* But like everybody else with a schweet crib, Lyra spends her time dashing across the roof and otherwise not appreciating her nice home. She likes spitting stuff with her homie, Roger, making alliances with other college kids, and being enemies with the less-fortunate town children.

This petty battlefield is Lyra's playground, and she happily goes around acting superior to all the other kids. Sometimes her forever-buddy Lord Asriel comes to visit, and he stares at her while she recites everything she's learned since he last came.

Philip Pullman makes an abrupt plot-o-matic U-turn, and starts talking about how children have been disappearing. He begins to describe an example of a kidnapping, and this story features a boy named Tony, and a woman who is even more of a creepy pedophile than our hero Lord Asriel. This woman is part of a group called "The Gobblers," (who wants to bet Lord Asriel is president of the organization?!) and her daemon (I am STILL waiting to hear what that word even means!) is a golden monkey. And with that, we return to Lyra's easy-peasy life.

"Let's play kids and Gobblers!" Lyra shouts enthusiastically to her one and only friend, Roger. He is apparently her slave by now, and would do anything for her. I see... Roger: Lyra = Lyra: Lord Schmexypants Asriel. Poor, poor Roger. Maybe if he were 40 years older, a few bajillion bucks richer, and RELATED TO HER, Lyra would notice him.

Later on, Lyra and her kitchen friends go to the horse fair together, and things get interesting when one of her gyptian frenemies, Billy Costa, gets kidnapped by the Gobblers. Suddenly, Lyra's little game isn't so fun anymore. She searches all over for the gyptian kid, then realizes OHMIGOD NOOOO ROGER'S GONE TOO!

She throws a temper tantrum that probably resembles something Smelly Belly would do if she had half a brain and/or was able to show an ounce of emotion. Lyra darts up to the roof, where she and *snicker* Pantalaimon have a nice chat. She decides she wants to save Roger *insert eye roll here* and, in a typical Pantalaimon fashion, he discourages her by saying it'll be dangerous.

Lyra must temporarily stop her plotting while the housekeeper, Mrs. Lonsdale, screams at her for getting all her clothes dirty and just generally being a slob. She has been summoned (summoned, I say!) by THE MASTER to dine with him and his BFFs. Lyra attempts to be polite while she shakes hands, and the final guest she meets is a gorgeous woman named Mrs. Coulter, whose daemon (get this!) is nothing other than....a golden monkey.

Prediction:
The gyptians storm the college in search of Billy Costa, Mrs. Lonsdale throws all of Lyra's filthy shoes off of the sacred roof, and Lord Asriel and Mrs. Coulter meet up to officiate the next meeting of Pedophiles Anonymous.

Lord Asriel: We'd like to welcome our newest member to Pedophiles Anonymous. What's your name, dearie?
Mrs. Coulter: I'm Mrs. Coulter, and I'm a pedophile.
General assembly: Hi, Mrs. Coulter.
Lord Asriel: Let's begin. Who would like to share the progress they made this week?
Pedophile #17: Well, I was walking into the mall, and I saw this kid with the hottest pair of gloves, and then I just had to go closer, and one thing led to another and-
Quil: *barges in* Uh....
General assembly: Hi, Quil. About time you showed up.

Blogging The Golden Compass, Part 2

Last week, we left off with Lyra and her talking animal hiding in a wardrobe, secretly admiring Uncle Lord Asriel's dreamy biceps.

Now, Lyra proceeds to declare how even though THE MASTER and a handful of his minions are present, they all know where the power really lies. It is with the self-proclaimed scruffy, fossilized dreamboat who's about to show his PowerPoint slideshow.

Lord Schmexy-Pants Asriel gets THE MASTER and the Chief Minion/Librarian to sit close to the wardrobe, so Lyra can practice her spying skills. They whine about how Lord Asriel didn't die from the poisoned wine, and then they shut up and listen to Lord Schmexy-Pants's Asriel's story.

He explains how he went up North under the cover story of making friends with the king of Lapland. He actually *gasp!* went up to see some sort of "natural phenomenon" seen by a guy named Grumman, whom I presume is now dead. Lord Asriel shows THE MASTER and his clique a couple of pictures of the North. The first one is boring looking, and the second has these awesome gold specks floating down. The said specks are apparently Dust with a capital D.

This is a big deal to THE MASTER'S clique, and they freak out even more when Lord Asriel points out a child in the picture. Instead of explaining to me what the hell matters about a kid being in the picture, they move on to start discussing the Northern Lights, aka the Aurora borealis.

Lord Asriel shows one last picture, and this one is the most shocking yet, at least to THE MASTER. It shows a city in (wait for it...) another world. One of the clique members asks if it's about the "Barnard-Stokes business." Whatever that is. Is there like, a prequel or something? Did I accidentally start on the second book in the series? Does anyone besides Philip Pullman get what's going on here? Because I sure don't!

That Grumman guy actually is dead, it turns out. And better yet, Lord Asriel has proof. Lyra can't see it because THE MASTER stood up in front of her, but the whispers of his clique tell her that Uncle Swoonworthy brought back Grumman's head in a box. From what the group of old dudes can deduce, Grumman was murdered by a group called the Tartars, who appear to be stab-happy while they poke holes in their victims' heads.

The scholars start to talk about a talking bear who wants a degree and a daemon (talking animal), and as Lyra is too lazy to stay awake for this conversation, I still don't get any explanation of what's going on.

....

*TIME PASSES, LYRA CATCHES SOME ZZZZ'S*

She is woken by Lord Asriel, and quickly interrogates him about what Dust is. (Yes!)

He doesn't tell her. (No!)

Lyra then asks if she can look at the head, and Lord Asriel sneers and says to not be disgusting. If I recall correctly, he's the arm-grabbing pedophile in this scenario! Hard to get more disgusting than that.

He pulls a paternal move and tells her to go to bed, since he is leaving to go back to the North in a mere 10 minutes, but stubborn Lyra asks if she can come. He stares at her for a moment while she blushes under his gaze (NOW tell me she doesn't have a crush!!!! Just TRY!!! I DARE YOU!). Lord Asriel eventually decides that no, her place is here, and she needs to go to sleep.

The scene changes to THE MASTER'S private room, where he and the Librarian are drinking it up, arguing over the morals of their decision to try and poison Lord Asriel. THE MASTER says he only tried to kill him because the alethiometer (add THAT word's meaning to my list of questions) said it'd be bad if he was allowed to continue his expedition.

Then they start talking about politics and blah blah blah, and the Pope, more blah blah blah, etc. etc. etc. Oh wait no, apparently they killed Catholicism, so now there isn't a Pope. *facepalm* I didn't get it (seriously, is there a Golden Compass for Dummies book I can blog first?), but they capitalized the word "Magisterium," which I have inferred to be the Pope's replacement.

I love the Librarian. He just asked THE MASTER what all this Barnard-Stokes business is about. (Happy dance! Answers incoming, straight ahead!) THE MASTER declares that Barnard and Stokes were two treasonous theologians who believed there were many worlds besides this one. Then the Church killed them because Barnard and Stokes went against their teachings.

Once again, they mention the Magisterium, who is rather annoyed that there seems to be mathematical proof showing that there really are more worlds. Then they talk about Lord Schmexy-Pants Asriel and his pictures, which have turned out to be evidence. (I kind of get what the deal is now...sort of.)

AND NOW THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT LYRA!!!! They say that she would have been safer if they had ended up killing Prince Charming Lord Asriel. Apparently she has a "major part to play," she is not supposed to figure out what's going on, and they're expecting her to help without knowing she's helping. That isn't unfair at all. *sarcasm hand*

Prediction:
Lyra cries herself to sleep over Lord Asriel going on vacation, THE MASTER kills Lyra's chemistry teacher because he thinks her grade will be safer that way, and I will finally learn the definition of
a) daemon
b) alethiometer
c) Magisterium
d) Dust with a capital D

Please?

Blogging The Golden Compass, Part 1

Welcome to the first installment of Blogging The Golden Compass! I, Mary (embracethecheese), will be conquering a chapter every week. Here I go!

What I already know about this series:

-It’s really popular.

-It was developed into a movie, which I saw at my friend’s birthday party a few years ago. Despite seeing the film, I am NOT worried about spoiling my book experience, since everyone else at the party told me it was absolutely nothing like the book.

-There are talking animals in it. Ohhhhh, joy. *sarcasm hand*

-I’m pretty sure the plot revolves around dust. This could mean one of two things:

• People are idiots, and this series is vastly overrated. OR
• The author has brainstormed new life into something that’s as lame as dust, and this book will not suck.

Dim the lights, draw the curtains, and let the show begin! (I have been in waaaay too many dramatic productions.)

Chapter One:

Oh goody. I am four words in, and they've already mentioned a talking animal. The book appears to be about a (human) wannabe spy, Lyra (who has no last name as of yet) and her (animal) "daemon," Pantalaimon. Did Lyra name him? What was she, like, five? Nah, never mind. A five year old probably couldn't pronounce something with that many vowels.

The story begins with Lyra and Pantalaimon wandering around in a big, fancy great hall area. They are obviously not supposed to be there, since Lyra keeps looking over her shoulder, afraid of the servants showing up and BUSTING HER.

Pantalaimon *snicker* turns out to be a shape-shifting talking animal. He is currently a moth, since he needs to be almost invisible in the humongous crowd of people surrounding him and Lyra. *rolls eyes* If I was a shape-shifting talking animal and no one was around to see me, I would turn into something awesome like a peacock, or maybe an okapi. NOT a moth.

Lyra starts babbling about the steward ringing bells, Pantalaimon accuses her of "not taking this seriously," and the plot suddenly clicks in my brain. I totally get it now. Lyra has just started college, and this is a hazing-initiation-thingy for the sorority she's joining. BAM! CAN'T FOOL ME!

The two troublemakers head across the hall to the Retiring Room, described by Lyra as being pretty much totally off-limits to anybody except for scholarly dudes. She's never gone in there before, even though she's lived at the College for her life.

........................................................

*headdeskfacepalmheaddeskfacepalmheaddeskfacepalm*

It actually IS a college? I was kidding, you know!!! My predictions are NOT as funny if they're dead-on right. *sigh*

Lyra and Pantalaimon continue snooping, when they suddenly hear someone coming in. It is "the Master" and his servant, and THE MASTER (someone who is this obviously important deserves a name in all caps) inquires as to whether Lord Asriel (Lyra's uncle) has arrived yet. He instructs the servant to give him food when he gets to the College, and the servant leaves him alone (with Lyra and *snicker* Pantalaimon).

THE MASTER dumps some poison into the wine he just set out for this all-important Lord Asriel, and quickly departs the room. Lyra and Pantalaimon are planning to leave too, but they hear the Steward's bell calling people to dinner, and are forced to hide in a wardrobe.

As they watch the Steward do some last minute preparations, Pantalaimon starts bitching to Lyra about how she needs to listen to him when he's being an unadventurous, wimpy sissy. They argue about what to do about the poison, Lyra infers that the fancy robes in the wardrobe are for THE MASTER to play dress-up, and then she explains that Lord Asriel and THE MASTER are both important political figures, and this is a high tension time in their world (aka, there'll probably be a war).

Lord Asriel arrives while Lyra and Pantalaimon are sulking in the wardrobe. He ALSO has a talking animal with him, and he starts chatting about some PowerPoint he put together to show the scholarly college people. Lyra spies on her uncle, describing his tall stature, powerful shoulders, and glittery eyes.

*processing*

o_O

*processing*

I THINK LYRA IS HITTING ON HER UNCLE. Um....anyways...

He reaches for the poisoned wine, and she screams a loud "No!" since she is unable to watch her forever buddy (*shudder*) die. She jumps out of the wardrobe and he grabs her arm (omai!) and begins to interrogate her. Lyra admits she saw the wine being poisoned, but before they can continue this passionate heart-to-heart, more people show up and Lord Asriel forces her back in the wardrobe.

Lord Asriel finds a way to dump the wine on the floor, breaking the bottle (woo!), and whispers to Lyra that she should watch THE MASTER while he's in there, and he might find a way to keep her out of trouble.

The chapter ends with Lord Asriel staring down his daemon and promising THE MASTER that he has something interesting to show him.

Prediction:
Lyra and *smirk* Pantalaimon will continue to bicker, Lord Asriel will show his PowerPoint with a bunch of steamy vacation photos, and Lyra will describe in detail the delicate curves of Lord Asriel's toned abdominal muscles.