I...Am...In...MISERY! (Not Really, I'm Just A Teensy Bit Sad)

Huh. My follower count is...shrinking. :/

That's discomforting.

Anyway, I was planning to upload some pictures of my vacation...except my computer is being stupid. I'll keep trying, though!

And as far as the Buche de Noel recipe goes...still haven't found it. :'(

Gosh, today just isn't that great of a day!!!

Sometimes We Don't Learn From Our Mistakes

Yesterday at lunch I was assaulted by the ASB president. Unexpectedly, considering she doesn't even HAVE THE SAME LUNCHTIME. But what do I know? She came up with a very loud MARYYYYY! (this seems to be her signature catchphrase now), threw her arms around me, and ate lunch next to me. Rather awkwardly, since I didn't exactly say anything. Advice, anyone? What do I do with this random, unexpected attention? I'm so confused! (Ugh, what else is new?)

As far as music goes, I have just decided The Script is one of the best bands ever. EVER. There's just something about their lyrics that strike me as being amazing. Maybe it's because they're very simple, but still powerful and absolutely relatable.

And as far as OTHER music goes, I finally got a chance to rehearse my solo with my sometimes-usually-jerky pianist. Once again, he has pulled a U-turn. (As you probably remember, I'm pretty sick of all these.) I've noticed that when it's just the two of us, we're fine. We're great. It's like nothing else ever changed. When it's just us, it's fun and relaxed and about as comfortable as it ever was (still kind of awkward for me, since I'm not technically totally over him...but it's nice that he acts like he doesn't want to bite my head off). In fact, he's gone right back to swearing on my behalf. (I think that's a good thing. For a teenage guy, anyway.)

Hmm. I seem to recall once telling you I would stop talking about him on my blog.

Sorry about that. :/

Cool Kids Never Have The Time....Except For When They Do?

Interesting developments over here!!!! The ASB (Associated Student Body) president seems to....actually like me. Lately she's been all like "MARYYYY!!!!!" whenever she sees me. Like, more enthusiastically than people who...I don't know...actually know me. And are friends with me.

Since when do cool kids care about me? They don't! They never have before. I'm not cut out to be popular!!! I'm not that sort of person. I'm charismatic enough in groups of known outsiders...like orchestra. And math team. There, I'm pretty outgoing and awesomely funny (*not sure how I manage that on a regular basis*). But not with regular people! I'm just normal! And shy. 'Cause that's normal.

I guess lately I've just become recruitable! There's this, and for the last few weeks, Washington University in St. Louis has been sending me crap in the mail, trying to get me to go to their school. (I don't think they realize I'm a freshman with precious little academic history to date.)

This is totally bizarre. And now I have to vacuum. Can someone please recruit my vacuum cleaner? I want it gone. Like, now.

It's Not Enough, We Were Growing Up (And Growing Apart, Sad As It May Make Me)

Intro: The post title is from the song "A Town Called Hypocrisy" by the Lostprophets. I feel the need to tell you that because it's a relatively new song of mine, and I'm not really familiar with it enough to remember where the heck these lyrics came from. Oh, and Priya...I'm so sorry, but I can't find the recipe for the Buche de Noel!!! I'm looking for it, but I can't remember where I left it! I'm working on it, though! Don't worry.

My 54th post.....oh my gosh. It's been a long time since I've been here (the journey to Louisiana was a tad...time consuming), but I'm back and now I think I have some different perspectives on things.

One, blogging. Maybe it was just a goal, something I started because I wanted to stick with something. Maybe I wanted to tell all eight followers (hi guys! And welcome, Gabi!!!! It's nice to see you here) what went down every day in my painfully average life. But now, I'm not so sure. Maybe now it's not quite so deep. Maybe now my blog is just a place for me to aim my sarcasm dagger (it's a little sharp and bitter to be a hand) at maybe-ex-crushes who piss me off, for me to organize my thoughts, and for me to dream about what I'd say if they paid me a speck of attention. I believe Einstein once said something along the lines of, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

Oh goody. The crazy-haired genius thinks I'm insane. That just made my day, right there. Today I spoke to BGF....agaaaaaain. (I know, I know, y'all are groaning....but hear me out!) I don't know what I was trying to do. What did I think would happen? Did I expect him to magically wake up, pop his ego down to normal size, and drag me into his nice, toned, tennis arms? In a way, yes. But I'm being ridiculous. Maybe I thought he didn't hear me the first time around, and if I said it just one more time my message would sink in. I'm an idiot.

He heard me before. As most of you have never heard me speak, let me just tell you this: I'm VERY loud. Volume isn't an issue. To him, the issue was with the content of my words. He's become intolerant of anyone whose outlook on friendship or life isn't compatible with his own. It's a shame, really.

I think this next fact has always been there. But until now, I've never been depressed enough to bring it to the surface.

We don't work.

I've realized if our current, toxic relationship can be summed up into one statement, it is this: I can have Mary, or I can have Alex (OMG, I know! BGF has a real name!!!!), but I can never have both. If I don't change who I am, I'll never have a shot with who he is.

But I don't want to change. Through the popular-initiation/brainwashing thing that happened to him, he changed. And in the process, everything that was great about him got buried beneath hypocrisy, corruption, and harsh words. Honestly, there's nothing left in him that I'm willing to change for.

With that, I must aim this statement at him. My only regret is that he'll never see it.

It's not me, it's you.