Intro: The post title is from the song "A Town Called Hypocrisy" by the Lostprophets. I feel the need to tell you that because it's a relatively new song of mine, and I'm not really familiar with it enough to remember where the heck these lyrics came from. Oh, and Priya...I'm so sorry, but I can't find the recipe for the Buche de Noel!!! I'm looking for it, but I can't remember where I left it! I'm working on it, though! Don't worry.
My 54th post.....oh my gosh. It's been a long time since I've been here (the journey to Louisiana was a tad...time consuming), but I'm back and now I think I have some different perspectives on things.
One, blogging. Maybe it was just a goal, something I started because I wanted to stick with something. Maybe I wanted to tell all eight followers (hi guys! And welcome, Gabi!!!! It's nice to see you here) what went down every day in my painfully average life. But now, I'm not so sure. Maybe now it's not quite so deep. Maybe now my blog is just a place for me to aim my sarcasm dagger (it's a little sharp and bitter to be a hand) at maybe-ex-crushes who piss me off, for me to organize my thoughts, and for me to dream about what I'd say if they paid me a speck of attention. I believe Einstein once said something along the lines of, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."
Oh goody. The crazy-haired genius thinks I'm insane. That just made my day, right there. Today I spoke to BGF....agaaaaaain. (I know, I know, y'all are groaning....but hear me out!) I don't know what I was trying to do. What did I think would happen? Did I expect him to magically wake up, pop his ego down to normal size, and drag me into his nice, toned, tennis arms? In a way, yes. But I'm being ridiculous. Maybe I thought he didn't hear me the first time around, and if I said it just one more time my message would sink in. I'm an idiot.
He heard me before. As most of you have never heard me speak, let me just tell you this: I'm VERY loud. Volume isn't an issue. To him, the issue was with the content of my words. He's become intolerant of anyone whose outlook on friendship or life isn't compatible with his own. It's a shame, really.
I think this next fact has always been there. But until now, I've never been depressed enough to bring it to the surface.
We don't work.
I've realized if our current, toxic relationship can be summed up into one statement, it is this: I can have Mary, or I can have Alex (OMG, I know! BGF has a real name!!!!), but I can never have both. If I don't change who I am, I'll never have a shot with who he is.
But I don't want to change. Through the popular-initiation/brainwashing thing that happened to him, he changed. And in the process, everything that was great about him got buried beneath hypocrisy, corruption, and harsh words. Honestly, there's nothing left in him that I'm willing to change for.
With that, I must aim this statement at him. My only regret is that he'll never see it.
It's not me, it's you.
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